Stop Pursuing Purpose and Meaning - Do This Instead
Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, wrestling with the nagging question: "What is my true purpose?" Perhaps you've felt a lingering sense that you're meant to be doing something grand, something meaningful, but the specifics elude you.
Maybe you've scrolled through social media, watching others seemingly live out their passions with clarity and confidence, and felt a pang of anxiety or inadequacy. Society often tells us that to lead a fulfilling life, we must discover our one true calling—a singular mission that gives our existence meaning and direction. This relentless quest can feel overwhelming, like searching for a needle in a haystack without a magnet, or it can open us up to anxiety and feelings on inadequacy if we’re unable to find it.
You're not alone in this experience. In our volatile world, the pressure to find and fulfill a singular purpose has become a pervasive narrative. We attend workshops, devour self-help books, listen to motivational speakers—all promising to help us uncover that elusive calling. Yet, despite our earnest efforts, the clarity we seek often remains just out of reach, leaving us feeling more lost and disconnected than ever.
But what if this whole notion of a singular purpose is a myth—a well-intentioned but ultimately limiting concept that holds us back from true fulfillment? What if the key isn't in finding something out there but in cultivating a deeper understanding of ourselves?
Consider this:
What if, instead of chasing an elusive purpose, we turned inward to truly understand ourselves—our values, core beliefs, boundaries, and non-negotiables—and made choices that align with the person we want to be?
Imagine shifting your focus from an external destination to an internal journey. Instead of searching for a predefined path laid out by societal expectations or external pressures, you embark on a process of self-discovery that empowers you to create your own meaning. This approach doesn't just alleviate the pressure of finding "the one thing" you're meant to do; it opens up a world of possibilities aligned with who you truly are. It invites you to explore, to be curious, and to embrace the fluidity of life.
In this piece, we'll explore how letting go of the pursuit of a singular purpose can liberate you to live more authentically. We'll explore practices that foster self-awareness, intentional decision-making, and genuine connections with others—all of which contribute to a fulfilling life that's uniquely yours. We'll also address common concerns and critiques of this approach, integrating insights from philosophical and spiritual traditions to provide a comprehensive perspective. Let’s get curious!
Letting Go of the "One True Calling"
The concept of a singular calling or a fixed "North Star" is deeply ingrained in many cultures. From an early age, we're often asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" This question implies that there is one correct answer, one definitive path that we must identify and follow. As we mature, this evolves into a relentless pursuit of finding our "true purpose" or "calling," a quest that can feel both urgent and overwhelming.
However, this notion can be limiting in several ways:
It Implies a Fixed Destination: Believing in a singular purpose suggests that once we find it, our journey is complete. This overlooks the dynamic nature of life and personal growth.
It Creates Pressure and Anxiety: The fear of missing or not finding one's true calling can lead to stress, self-doubt, and a sense of inadequacy.
It Neglects Multiple Interests and Talents: Many people have diverse passions and skills. Focusing on one supposed calling can stifle these other facets of ourselves.
It Ignores Life's Fluidity: Circumstances change, and so do we. What feels like a calling at one stage of life may not resonate at another.
Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, offers profound insights into this dilemma. In his seminal work, Man's Search for Meaning, Frankl observed that life's meaning isn't something we discover but something we create through our responses to life's challenges. He wrote:
"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."
(Frankl, 2006, p. 66)
Frankl emphasizes that meaning arises from our choices and attitudes, not from a preordained purpose. Even in the most harrowing conditions, he found that individuals could find purpose by how they chose to respond. By shifting the focus inward, we find clarity and peace that aren't dependent on external achievements or validations. We free ourselves from the pressure of meeting societal expectations and allow ourselves to explore what truly resonates with us.
Moreover, embracing this perspective acknowledges that our purposes can change over time. What feels meaningful at one stage of life may evolve as we gain new experiences and insights. By letting go of the need to find a singular calling, we open ourselves up to growth, transformation, and the abundance of life's possibilities.
Consider this analogy: Life is like a river, constantly flowing and changing. Clinging to the idea of a singular purpose is like trying to hold onto a specific drop of water in that river. Instead, we can learn to navigate the currents, embracing the journey and the ever-changing landscape.
Embracing Curiosity and Self-Discovery
If we're not chasing a singular purpose, what should we be doing instead? The answer lies in embracing curiosity and self-discovery. This involves turning inward to explore who we are at our core—our values, beliefs, passions, and desires—and allowing that understanding to guide our choices.
Pema Chödrön, a renowned Buddhist teacher, suggests that clinging tightly to fixed ideas can prevent us from learning and growing. In her book When Things Fall Apart, she writes:
"Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all."
(Chödrön, 2000, p. 13)
By embracing the uncertainty and fluidity of life, we create space for new possibilities to emerge. This openness allows us to explore different paths without the fear of deviating from a predetermined purpose.
The Power of Questions
Asking ourselves meaningful questions is a powerful tool for self-discovery. It shifts our focus from seeking external answers to cultivating internal understanding.
Questions to Guide Your Journey:
What truly matters to me?
Reflect on the values and principles that resonate deeply with you. These could include honesty, compassion, creativity, freedom, justice, or any other qualities that feel integral to who you are. Understanding your core values provides a foundation for making decisions that align with your authentic self.What are my core beliefs?
Consider your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. Are these beliefs empowering or limiting? For example, do you believe that people are generally good, or that the world is a competitive place? Examining these beliefs helps you understand how they influence your perceptions and actions.What brings me joy and fulfillment?
Pay attention to activities, environments, and relationships that energize you. Recall moments when you felt truly alive and engaged. These experiences offer clues to what aligns with your authentic self and can guide you toward fulfilling pursuits.What are my strengths and talents?
Identify the skills and abilities that come naturally to you or that you've cultivated over time. Recognizing your strengths allows you to leverage them in ways that are meaningful and satisfying.What challenges have I overcome, and what have they taught me?
Reflecting on past obstacles and how you've navigated them can reveal inner resources and resilience. These insights can inform how you approach future situations.What boundaries do I need to set to honor myself and respect others?
Establishing healthy boundaries protects your well-being and fosters respectful relationships. This includes understanding your limits, saying no when necessary, and communicating your needs effectively.How can I make choices today that reflect the person I aspire to be?
Focus on actionable steps that align with your values and aspirations. This might involve pursuing a hobby, engaging in community service, or adopting habits that support your well-being.
Embracing Impermanence and Change
Buddhist philosophy teaches the concept of impermanence, the understanding that everything is in constant flux. Recognizing impermanence encourages us to be present and adaptable.
As Thich Nhat Hanh explains:
"Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible."
(Nhat Hanh, 1992, p. 74)
By accepting that our interests, desires, and circumstances will evolve, we free ourselves from the constraints of fixed expectations. This openness fosters growth and allows us to respond authentically to life's unfolding.
Making Choices Aligned with Your Values
Understanding your values is a crucial step, but it's only meaningful if it translates into action.
Making choices aligned with your values is about living in congruence with who you are and what you believe. This alignment fosters integrity, self-respect, and a sense of purpose derived from within.
Epictetus, a Stoic philosopher, emphasized the importance of focusing on what is within our control—our thoughts, attitudes, and actions. He advised:
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
(Epictetus, as quoted in The Enchiridion)
By focusing on our responses and choices, we take ownership of our lives. When our actions align with our values, we experience coherence and authenticity.
The Alignment Process
1. Identifying Your Core Values
Begin by reflecting deeply on what matters most to you. Consider:
Personal Values: Honesty, integrity, courage, compassion, creativity, etc.
Professional Values: Collaboration, innovation, excellence, service, etc.
Relational Values: Trust, respect, empathy, communication, etc.
Exercise: check out my values workbook to get clear on your values and what matters most to you.
2. Evaluating Your Current Life
Assess how well your current lifestyle, career, relationships, and habits align with these values.
Career Alignment: Does your work reflect your values? If you value creativity but your job is highly regimented, there may be a misalignment.
Lifestyle Alignment: Do your daily routines support your well-being? If health is a value but you neglect exercise and nutrition, adjustments may be needed.
Relationship Alignment: Are your relationships nourishing and respectful? Do they reflect mutual values?
3. Setting Intentional Goals
Based on your reflection, set specific, achievable goals that align with your values.
Example: If you value learning, you might set a goal to read a book a month or enroll in a course.
Example: If you value community, you might volunteer for a local organization.
Exercise: check out my goal setting workbook to get clear on your goals, and what choices you need to make to stay aligned with your values.
4. Making Daily Intentional Choices
Each day presents opportunities to make choices that support your values.
Mindful Decision-Making: Pause before making decisions to consider how they align with your values.
Prioritizing Actions: Allocate time and resources to activities that reflect what's important to you.
5. Reflecting and Adjusting
Regularly review your choices and their outcomes.
Journaling: Keep a journal to document your experiences, successes, and challenges.
Self-Compassion: Approach setbacks with kindness. Recognize that growth is a process.
Flexibility: Be willing to adjust your goals and actions as you evolve.
6. Seeking Support
Mentorship and Coaching: Engage with mentors or coaches who can provide guidance and accountability.
Community Engagement: Connect with others who share your values and can offer encouragement.
Exercise: vist changingwork.org to find a community of leaders, professional and practitioners who believe in conscious leadership and business.
The Impact of Alignment
Living in alignment with your values enhances:
Self-Esteem: Confidence grows when your actions reflect your true self.
Resilience: Alignment provides a solid foundation during challenging times.
Fulfillment: Satisfaction arises from living authentically, regardless of external outcomes.
Connecting with Others Through Authenticity
Living authentically doesn't mean journeying alone. In fact, understanding yourself deeply can enhance your relationships with others. When you're clear about your values and boundaries, you can engage with people more genuinely and compassionately.
Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that understanding is the foundation of love and connection. He writes:
"When you understand someone, you cannot help but love him or her."
(Nhat Hanh, 1997, p. 73)
By knowing ourselves, we cultivate empathy—not only toward ourselves but also toward others. This empathy fosters stronger, more meaningful relationships.
Building Authentic Relationships
1. Practicing Active Listening
Presence: Give others your full attention without distractions.
Empathy: Listen to understand their feelings and perspectives.
Validation: Acknowledge their experiences without immediately offering solutions.
2. Communicating Openly and Honestly
Transparency: Share your thoughts and feelings honestly.
Respect: Express yourself in a way that honors both yourself and the other person.
Feedback: Offer constructive feedback when appropriate, and be open to receiving it.
3. Respecting Boundaries
Self-Awareness: Know your limits and communicate them clearly.
Others' Boundaries: Pay attention to and respect others' expressed boundaries.
Negotiation: Find mutually acceptable ways to interact when boundaries differ.
4. Showing Empathy and Compassion
Perspective-Taking: Try to see situations from others' viewpoints.
Support: Offer help and encouragement when needed.
Non-Judgment: Approach interactions without preconceived notions or biases.
5. Engaging in Shared Interests
Community Involvement: Join groups or activities that align with your values.
Collaboration: Work together on projects or causes that matter to you both.
Celebration: Share in each other's successes and milestones.
6. Embracing Vulnerability
Authenticity: Allow yourself to be seen as you truly are, imperfections and all.
Trust-Building: Vulnerability fosters trust and deepens connections.
Courage: Recognize that being vulnerable requires strength and can lead to profound relationships.
The Benefits of Authentic Connections
Emotional Support: Genuine relationships provide comfort and understanding.
Personal Growth: Interacting authentically encourages self-awareness and learning.
Community Building: Authenticity strengthens social bonds and fosters inclusive communities.
Addressing the Critique of Individualism
A potential critique of focusing on self-understanding and personal values is that it may seem individualistic or self-centered. Does prioritizing our own values neglect the importance of community and collective well-being?
In reality, cultivating self-awareness and authenticity can enhance our contributions to society. Both Stoicism and Buddhist psychology emphasize interconnectedness and the importance of contributing to the greater good.
Marcus Aurelius, a Stoic emperor and philosopher, wrote in Meditations:
"We are born for cooperation, like feet, like hands, like eyelids, like the rows of the upper and lower teeth."
(Aurelius, 2002, Book 2, Passage 1)
This metaphor illustrates that just as body parts work together harmoniously, individuals thrive when they collaborate and support one another. Understanding ourselves enables us to engage more effectively with others.
Similarly, Thich Nhat Hanh introduces the concept of "interbeing," emphasizing that all things are interconnected. He explains:
"We inter-are. You cannot just be by yourself alone. You have to inter-be with every other thing."
(Nhat Hanh, 1992, p. 87)
Recognizing our interconnectedness helps us see that personal fulfillment and collective well-being are intertwined. When we live authentically and align our actions with our values, we can positively impact those around us.
Balancing Self and Community
Personal Well-Being as a Foundation: Taking care of ourselves equips us to contribute more effectively to others.
Authentic Contribution: When we offer our true selves, our contributions are more genuine and impactful.
Ethical Considerations: Aligning actions with values often includes ethical behavior that benefits society.
Empathy and Compassion: Self-understanding fosters empathy, leading to actions that consider others' needs.
Examples of Authentic Contribution
Social Activism: Advocating for causes that align with your values.
Mentorship: Sharing your knowledge and experiences to support others' growth.
Artistic Expression: Creating art that inspires, challenges, or comforts others.
Community Engagement: Participating in local initiatives that enhance collective well-being.
Embracing Interconnectedness
By acknowledging that our actions affect others, we become more mindful of how we engage with the world. This perspective encourages us to:
Act Responsibly: Consider the broader impact of our choices.
Collaborate: Work with others to achieve common goals.
Promote Inclusivity: Foster environments where diverse voices are heard and valued.
Stop Chasing, Start Living
After exploring these concepts, the question arises: How do we put them into practice? The key is to shift from chasing an elusive purpose to actively living in alignment with our authentic selves.
Practical Steps to Start Living Authentically
1. Embrace Mindfulness
Awareness: Cultivate present-moment awareness through practices like meditation, deep breathing, or mindful movement.
Non-Judgment: Observe your thoughts and feelings without labeling them as good or bad.
Acceptance: Acknowledge reality as it is, which allows for clearer decision-making.
2. Set Intentions, Not Expectations
Intentions: Focus on how you want to show up each day (e.g., "I intend to approach today with kindness and openness").
Release Attachment: Let go of rigid expectations about outcomes, which reduces stress and disappointment.
Flexibility: Be open to adapting as circumstances change.
3. Accept Impermanence
Embrace Change: Recognize that change is inevitable and can lead to growth.
Resilience: Develop the ability to adapt to new situations with grace.
Letting Go: Release attachment to past identities or roles that no longer serve you.
4. Cultivate Gratitude
Daily Practice: Keep a gratitude journal or take moments to reflect on what you're thankful for.
Shift Perspective: Focusing on abundance rather than scarcity enhances well-being.
Appreciation: Recognize the contributions of others and express thanks.
5. Engage in Self-Care
Physical Health: Prioritize sleep, nutrition, and physical activity.
Emotional Health: Seek support when needed, practice self-compassion, and allow yourself to experience emotions fully.
Creative Expression: Engage in activities that nourish your soul, such as art, music, or writing.
6. Build a Supportive Community
Connect with Like-Minded Individuals: Join groups or communities that share your interests and values.
Seek Mentorship: Learn from those who inspire you.
Offer Support: Be a source of encouragement and assistance to others.
7. Take Inspired Action
Start Small: Begin with manageable steps toward your goals.
Consistency: Regular action builds momentum.
Celebrate Progress: Acknowledge achievements, no matter how small.
Overcoming Obstacles
Fear of Failure: Reframe failure as a learning opportunity.
Self-Doubt: Challenge limiting beliefs with evidence of your capabilities.
External Criticism: Stay true to your values despite others' opinions.
The Journey Continues
Living authentically is an ongoing process, not a destination. It requires patience, commitment, and courage. As you navigate this path, remember that setbacks are natural and can provide valuable insights.
As we've explored, the relentless pursuit of a singular purpose can often lead to frustration, anxiety, and a sense of inadequacy. By shifting our focus inward and embracing self-understanding, we unlock the power to live authentically and make choices that resonate with our true selves.
This approach aligns with timeless wisdom from various philosophical and spiritual traditions.
Both Buddhist teachings and Stoicism emphasize the importance of inner wisdom, personal responsibility, and recognizing the interconnectedness of all beings.
They teach us that fulfillment doesn't come from external validation or achieving a predetermined destiny but from cultivating a deep understanding of ourselves and living in harmony with our values.
Imagine the freedom in waking up each day without the weight of chasing an elusive purpose. Instead, you greet the day with curiosity and openness, guided by your values and receptive to the experiences that unfold. You make decisions not based on an external script but on what feels true and right for you at that moment.
This doesn't mean life becomes effortless or that challenges disappear. However, it does mean that you're better equipped to navigate those challenges with resilience and grace. You're no longer derailed by setbacks because your sense of self isn't tied to a specific outcome. Instead, you view each experience—whether success or failure—as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.
By embracing this mindset, you also enhance your relationships. Authenticity encourages others to be authentic as well; as you live more genuinely, you create space for deeper, more meaningful connections. You contribute positively to your community, not by adhering to a prescribed purpose, but by bringing your unique gifts and perspectives to the collective of human experience.
So, let's return to the question that may have kept you up at night: "What is my true purpose?" Perhaps the answer isn't a specific job, role, or mission. Perhaps your purpose is to live authentically, to make choices aligned with your values, and to continually grow into the person you aspire to be.
Let's stop chasing and start living—one mindful decision at a time.
Remember, this journey isn't one you have to undertake alone. There are resources and communities available to support you, including coaching, workshops, and like-minded individuals seeking a similar path.
I invite you to take the first step today. Embrace the journey inward, and discover the freedom and fulfillment that come from living authentically.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
Embracing authenticity is a courageous act. It requires us to look inward, confront uncertainties, and make choices that may differ from societal expectations. But in doing so, we open ourselves to a life of greater fulfillment, connection, and peace.
As Lao Tzu wisely stated:
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."
(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, Verse 48)
Letting go of rigid definitions of purpose allows us to embrace the limitless potential within ourselves. It's an invitation to live fully, love deeply, and contribute authentically to the world around us.
Let's embark on this journey together
Visit NicholasWhitaker.com where you can download my self-paced workbooks and guides to help you get clear about these and other crucial elements of an intentional life. You can also find links to explore ways we can work together, access other free resources.
You can also join a community committed to living authentically and changing work from the inside out at changingwork.org.
References
Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man's Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Frankl discusses his experiences in Nazi concentration camps and introduces logotherapy, a therapeutic approach centered on finding meaning in life through personal responsibility and choice.
Chödrön, P. (2000). When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Shambhala Publications.
Chödrön offers guidance on how to navigate life's challenges with openness and compassion, emphasizing the importance of embracing uncertainty.
Epictetus. (c. 50–135 AD). The Enchiridion.
A manual of Stoic ethical advice, focusing on distinguishing between what is within our control and what is not, and how to live virtuously.
Nhat Hanh, T. (1997). Teachings on Love. Parallax Press.
Thich Nhat Hanh explores the nature of love and relationships from a Buddhist perspective, highlighting the importance of understanding and compassion.
Nhat Hanh, T. (1992). Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. Bantam.
This book introduces mindfulness practices for everyday living, emphasizing peace, presence, and interconnectedness.
Aurelius, M. (2002). Meditations (G. Hays, Trans.). Modern Library.
A collection of personal writings by the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, reflecting on Stoic philosophy and guidance for self-improvement and ethical living.
Lao Tzu. (6th century BC). Tao Te Ching.
An ancient Chinese text foundational to Taoism, offering wisdom on living in harmony with the Tao (the Way), emphasizing simplicity, humility, and compassion.
